Deep inside the female mind lives two little critters: The Rationalization Hamster (Whorus justifyus) recently popularized by Roissy if I’m not mistaken, and the Entitlement Monkey (Twatus privilegeus). Any man who desires to be successful with women at any stage from pickup to long term relationship must know when to engage, and more importantly, when to steer clear of this dynamic duo.
If you’re a woman reading this, please note I’m talking about every woman but you, so no worries. Let’s start with the Rationalization Hamster.
Whorus justifyus is believed to be the single most powerful creature on earth. Scientists theorize the creature evolved from the cells of a busted hymen approximately 200 million years ago when a meteor crashed into the planet bringing with it radiation that increased estrogen levels in unborn fetuses. Over time, the rationalization hamster grew stronger until it completely took over the left side of the female brain, rendering women unable to be reasonable or logical regarding anything that goes against their wants, wishes or desires regardless of evidence to the contrary.
Basic characteristics of the Rationalization Hamster include:
1. Never sleeps.
2. Can’t be killed, starved, poisoned, tamed, reasoned with, minimized, or controlled.
3. Can rationalize anything a woman feeds it with the greatest of ease.
4. Can’t be overworked – the more use it gets, the stronger it grows.
5. Turns female lies into truth, and male truth into closed-minded insults.
There are numerous ways to tell you are dealing with Whorus justifyus. The most common way is by listening to your girlfriend talk about her slutty friends. When she badmouths her friends for their sexual promiscuity by calling them sluts, and you point out that by her own admission she’s engaged in the exact same behavior, Whorus justifyus will take the lead and produce a completely logical explanation of why it was growth and self exploration for her, but whoredom for her friends. As you marvel at the hamster’s handy work, go ahead and throw in the fact that you’re mortified that she could criticize her best friends so harshly, and see what the hamster comes up with next! Of course it’s all fun and games until the hamster helps her rationalize cheating on you because you’re an insensitive prick.
Ah, but where would the Rationalization Hamster be without the Entitlement Monkey?
The Entitlement Monkey, or Twatus privilegeus is an engineered species. Unlike the Rationalization Hamster, the Entitlement Monkey was originally a social construct – not a genetic flaw. It’s been theorized that Twatus privilegeus has been around for thousands of years, but gained mainstream popularity around the 18th Century as part of the first wave of feminism. By the early 1960’s the Entitlement Monkey actually beat out Prada purses to become the #1 must have accessory for Western women, and its popularity continues to grow to this day.
Basic characteristics of the Entitlement Monkey include:
1. Never Sleeps.
2. Flings its own poo – known to men as “shaming language”.
3. Feeds rationalization hamsters and keeps them busy.
4. Boosts self confidence to undeserved levels, causing overvaluation.
5. Can be temporarily muted by an Alpha male, but never killed.
So there you have it. The two critters that live in your woman’s brain are a force to be reckoned with. But don’t be dismayed – men have been dealing with women’s little brain buddies for eons. Below is a photograph of what archeologists believe is a primitive caveman drawing dating back over 100,000 years. Discovered in a cave somewhere between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers in 1991, the drawing is believed to depict an Entitlement Monkey (right) pumping ideas into the mind of a woman (center) that are then ran through the rationalization hamster (left). Even more curious are the little snowflake-like drawings which seem to be generated from the hamster.
So there you have it folks. You can’t argue with science.
SUGGESTED READING: Women Are Most Deluded at 31 by Chateau
Filed under Proverbs Tagged with feminism, rationalization hamster, entitlement monkey, women, dating
As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another. Proverbs 27:17
3 Responses to Proverb 5: Little Critters
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This post needs to be bumped. No woman is complete without her entitlement monkey!