Fall 2010 by Solomon II
Well, I’m out. I deleted my profile late last week, and I’m not going to renew it until my travel schedule calms down. Too much work, and I was starting to confuse woman A with woman B in text messages and emails – a definite no no. I also flaked on two girls this week because of work. One agreed to reschedule, the other just vanished. I think this is the first time I’ve ever flaked on a woman. Felt good.
Once again, I went a solid week without sending out emails, yet I got a bang on the second date with a new chick. I think she is 25, cute, and had Houdini tits. If you’re unfamiliar with the term Houdini tits (and you probably are since I just made it up), I’m referring to a girl who appears to be average in the boob region, then she takes off her shirt and the most amazing jugs you’ve ever encountered seem to appear out of nowhere. I have no clue where she was hiding those things. Ta-da Tatas. Houdini tits.
Since this will be my last online dating review until my schedule settles down next year, let me tell you what I’ve learned:
A) This “online dating thing doesn’t work” that you seem to read about all over the internet is false. I was involved for four weeks – two of which I didn’t send out any emails – one of which I was out of town, and I banged two little cuties. It works. I also have two numbers in my phone of women I haven’t met yet who I can contact whenever I want. One is a definite lay; the other seems a bit flaky but who knows.
B) As I updated my profile to have solid negs over time, the emails started coming in. I’m not giving away my secrets here because I plan to use them again, but they were solid, in-your-face, humorous negs. By stating “Some women on here think…” you’re almost guaranteed a dozen emails from women claiming they’re not like that, and you’re funny for posting it. Use their narcissistic snowflaking personalities against them! Every woman out there is just *dying* to prove that she’s not like every other woman out there. I had at least a dozen emails saying that my profile was the most interesting one they’ve ever read. Judging from the stupid shit I saw on my competition’s profiles, I can believe it.
C) A picture really is worth a thousand words. Choose your photos very, very carefully. I had one photo of me walking down a hotel hallway carrying a guitar case, one of me with my sister and mother laughing, one of me with a group of friends of varying nationalities, one artsy photo where I looked pretty good, and one of me holding a pissed off cat with a bewildered, hateful look on my face. The cat one was staged, by the way. Took at least a dozen shots to get it right.
Your photos paint a story in her mind. You must create a guy she finds interesting. A guy she just has to know more about. The story my photos told was “I’m a creative, funny, mysterious guitar playing traveler who loves his mother, has an interesting group of friends, and hates cats but has a good attitude about it.” Alpha+Beta=Perfect Man.
D) Get yourself a female partner in crime. I had a friend read every single email I received. She told me which ones to pursue and which ones to forget. She called both bangs with 100% accuracy right down to the number of dates it would take. She told me the one nighter would go down in one night, and that the second date bang would take “at least two dates”. Girls know girls. I’m just lucky to have a female friend who is just as wicked as I am. If you’re not so lucky, find a nice girl to point out the ones who seem more sincere and less slutty, then go for the ones she doesn’t recommend.
E) If your intention for online dating is just to pump-and-dump, change your facebook profile pic to something that doesn’t show your face. If not, you’ll get a friend request from your one night stand. Not good.
F) If you don’t have a crazy travel schedule like mine, lie about it. Mention in your profile that you travel a lot for work and that your schedule can change on a dime. Mention this in your email communications too. Get her conditioned to the fact that you won’t be around all the time. It’ll create mystery and get you off the hook if you do it right. Overdo it, and she’ll think you won’t be around enough for a relationship if things go well. This is a delicate balancing act. Casually mention it, but don’t dwell on it.
G) Always have a “you should drop me a note if…” portion in your profile. This is your place to undo some of the betaness you’re saddled with for being online in the first place. DO NOT do the usual “If you’re a nice girl who is fun and wants to meet an interesting man…” bullshit. Go with something humorous that shows you have options. For example: “You should drop me a note if you won’t bore me to tears, you know that wearing flip-flops to a nice dinner is tacky, and you’re ok with the fact that regardless of how attractive you are, I do NOT want to hear about your damn cat”. Negs, negs, negs. You have to do it in your profile because you absolutely cannot do it in your emails.
H) Start a file on your computer with girl’s names, numbers, emails, photos, and a brief description of your communication. Do not respond to her until you refresh your memory. This is where I failed. I’ll do this next time. Nothing worse than texting “So how was your weekend?” Only to see the response “I went to my friend’s funeral. I told you that”. Ouch. No pussy for me.
I) Write your profile, but before you post it, read at least 10 other men’s profiles in your age bracket and your level of attractiveness. Know the competition and do something different.
J) Remember that in order to do this right, it takes a lot of time and effort. The pussy will come, but it can be a real pain in the ass. If you’re allergic to rejection, this is not the gig for you. Yes I nailed two chicks in four weeks, but I was also rejected dozens of times.
So there you have it. Happy hunting, gentlemen. I’ll be rejoining you in the online dating field in a few months.
Filed under Online Dating Project Tagged with online dating
As iron sharpeneth iron, so one man sharpeneth another. Proverbs 27:17
